02 Feb Transactional Analysis 101: What It Is and How It Can Help You
When you go home to see your parents, do you find yourself falling into old patterns of childlike behaviour? This might look like approval seeking, adolescent tantrums or provoking an argument.
Or perhaps, you find yourself routinely overly supporting others at work, often to the detriment of your own health and boundaries?
The challenge is that although we are now grown up and living in adult bodies, our child ego state may still be liable to take over and run the show from time to time, keeping us stuck in old stories and patterns.
And that isn’t all. We also have a parent ego state, internalised from our own parents or parent figures (including older siblings) that might be excessively critical and bullying.
Developing an awareness of these states can be useful in increasing our capacity to make conscious choices about our behaviour, rather than running on unconscious autopilot.
And this is where the model of Transactional Analysis (TA) can be helpful.
Parent, Adult & Child Ego States
TA was developed by psychiatrist, Eric Berne in the 1950s, and is founded on the premise that people have three ego states: Parent, Adult, and Child. These ego states represent different parts of a person’s personality and can be identified by the way a person thinks, feels, and behaves.
The Parent ego state is like a parent who gives advice and tells you what to do. The Adult ego state is like a grown-up who thinks rationally and solves problems. The Child ego state is like a young child who has strong feelings and holds the capacity for joy and spontaneity.
Each of us have these three internalised ego states and they can come into play at different times, and in different relationships – in turn hooking into the ego states of the other person.
We also run our own scripts – patterns of behaviour that we tend to follow throughout our life. These scripts were formed in childhood and are strongly influenced by our upbringing, including our parents, society, formative experiences, and cultural expectations. These scripts have an impact in how our different ego states manifest.
Different Ways that the Parent and Child Ego States Show Up
Reflecting external relationships and personalities, the parent and child ego states can show up in different ways, some more ‘healthy’ and ‘functional’ than others:
The parent ego state can be both critical and nurturing.
These two qualities in turn each have a light and a shadow side. The critical parent can have a positive impact through providing advice and guidance, or a detrimental impact through excessive judgement, punishment and condescendence.
Likewise, the nurturing parent can be protective, warm and supportive, or can manifest as smothering and overly protective.
The child also has its light and shadow sides. The ‘adapted’ child can be polite and functional, or excessively compliant, sullen, defiant, insecure or manipulative. On the other side, the ‘free’ child ego state can be spontaneous, playful, creative and curious, or in the shadow: petulant, destructive and self-centred.
The adult ego state is deemed to be rational, non-judgemental, confident and appropriately responding to the here and now moment.
Communication
According to TA theory, we communicate with one another through transactions, which are the exchanges of communication that take place between two people. Transactions can be either complementary (i.e. adult to adult) or crossed (i.e. parent to child), and each type of transaction reflects the ego state of the person initiating the communication.
This model can be useful in understanding (and potentially changing) communication patterns. There can be value in understanding our own ego states and the ego states of others, as well as identifying and potentially changing our unhelpful script and behaviours.
Example: Bullying Boss
For example, an overly authoritarian and bullying boss holding a strong critical parent ego state, can bring out a subservient child response in an employee (P – C). It is likely that the employee developed this behaviour and script while growing up and that this pattern is familiar. In this case, there may be an opportunity (with appropriate support) for the employee to stand up for themselves and embody a stronger adult position. This may increase the chance of the boss also moving into an adult position as there is no longer a child ego state for them to parent.
Example: Romantic Relationships
In romantic relationships, one partner may get stuck in a child response, hooking the other to go into their parent. If this becomes an entrenched pattern this can result in resentment on both sides. If this can be made explicit and named, ideally with an attitude of non-judgement and curiosity, the couple can then consciously try to move into an adult-to-adult communication. It would be unrealistic to stay here all the time, and perhaps is not even desirable (such as when one partner is ill and needs to be looked after by the other), but it can act as a useful intention.
It is important to recognise that these two examples, the first especially, are highly simplistic and, of course, life is much more nuanced in reality.
That said the model can be useful in shining a lens on what is potentially going on and point to increased potential for autonomy and agency (rather than just acting on autopilot based on our upbringing).
Example: Using the lens of Cinderella
Transactional analysis can also be illustrated through the characters and themes in the fairy tale of Cinderella.
Cinderella could be seen as representing the Child ego state, as she is young and often reacts emotionally. In turn, the wicked stepmother and stepsisters could be seen as representing the (negative) Parent ego state, as they are authoritarian and controlling. The Fairy Godmother could be seen as representing the Adult ego state, as she is practical and logical and helps Cinderella to solve her problems.
The story also touches on the dangers of unhelpful scripts and behaviours, such as the wicked stepmother and stepsisters’ belief that they are superior, leads them to treat Cinderella unkindly.
Practical Ways of Using the TA Model
1. Identify your own ego states: and become aware of how they influence your thoughts, feelings, and behaviours. This can help you to understand why you might react in certain ways in different situations and can also help you to identify any unhelpful patterns of behaviour.
2. Pay attention to the ego states of others: In addition to understanding your own ego states, it can be helpful to pay attention to the ego states of the people you interact with. This can help you to understand why they might react in certain ways and may also help you to communicate more effectively with them.
3. Communicate openly and honestly: In TA, open and honest communication is emphasised as a way to improve relationships. This means being authentic and genuine in your interactions with others and being willing to share your thoughts and feelings with them.
4. Practice Using “I” statements: When communicating with others, it can be helpful to use “I” statements to express your thoughts and feelings. This can help to avoid blame and defensiveness and can also help to encourage open and honest communication.
5. Practice active listening: Active listening involves really paying attention to what the other person is saying and trying to understand their perspective. This can help to improve communication and understanding in relationships and can also help to resolve conflicts.
I hope that this blog post has been useful in gaining additional self awareness and adding another tool to the toolbox. If you are interested in finding out more or working together, feel free to contact me here.
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