Childless Not By Choice

Involuntary Childlessness

As a woman, you may have always imagined yourself as a mother, but sometimes life doesn’t go as planned. If you find yourself childless not by choice, you may be experiencing a range of complex emotions.

Feelings of grief, disappointment, and loneliness are common among women who are struggling to conceive or unable to have children for various reasons.

You are not alone.

Approximately 1 in 5 women (18%) who have completed their childbearing years are childless.

Although in a very pro-natal society you might well feel alone.

It can be extremely painful being surrounded by friends and family who have children, and especially heightened around times like Christmas and Mother’s Day which can feel centred around large families.

And it is complicated. And multifaceted.

For some woman, they haven’t met the right partner. For others, they experience infertility or health issues. Some will have tried for years to get pregnant, and others may simply have run out of time. For others still, the choice not to have children is complicated – part of them was clear in wanting to be childfree, while another part wonders if there might be a regret.

Whatever your background, partner or no partner, it is likely that you will have unique feelings around being childless not by choice. And there may be things you share with others in the same boat.

I provide a safe and supportive space for you to explore your own experience with involuntary childlessness, and to find hope for the future.

Contact me now to arrange a free 15 minute initial call, and take the first step towards getting the support you need to explore your experience of being childless not by choice.

You are not alone

Involuntary childlessness affects millions of people worldwide, yet it remains a largely taboo topic. Society often assumes that everyone wants to have children, and those who are unable to do so are often stigmatised or marginalised. This can lead to feelings of shame, guilt, and isolation, which can be difficult to overcome without the support of others who understand what it’s like to be childless not by choice.

Childlessness can be a sensitive and complex issue for many people, particularly those who are childless not by choice. Childless not by choice refers to individuals who are unable to have children due to a range of reasons, including infertility, medical conditions, or personal circumstances. For these individuals, the emotional toll of not being able to have children can be overwhelming, and therapy can be an important resource in helping them navigate their feelings and find meaning in their lives.

Childless Not By Choice Therapy supports men and women who are facing the challenge of involuntary childlessness. This approach to therapy is grounded in the work of Jody Day, a leading voice in the field of childless not by choice, as well as the exploration of archetypes, patriarchy, and grief.

Jody Day

Jody Day is a British author, speaker, and founder of Gateway Women, a global community of childless not by choice women. Jody herself experienced infertility and childlessness not by choice, and her experiences led her to develop a new approach to therapy for childless not by choice individuals.

Jody Day has been at the forefront of the childless not by choice movement since 2011. She has written extensively on the topic, including her book, “Living the Life Unexpected: 12 Weeks to Your Plan B for a Meaningful and Fulfilling Future Without Children,” and has also developed a therapeutic approach that draws on her own experience as a childless woman.

Jody recognises that childless not by choice individuals often experience feelings of isolation, grief, and anger. They may feel like they are on the outside looking in, as if everyone else has access to a secret club they are not a part of.

Therapy can help people connect with their feelings and come to terms with their childlessness, finding a way to move past anger and grief and find purpose and meaning in life.

You may find Jody Day’s TEDx talk: The lost tribe of childless women useful:

Childless Not By Choice Therapy

Therapy informed by the challenges of involuntary childlessness can help individuals come to terms with their childlessness, connect with their feelings, and find purpose and meaning in their lives. Therapy and counselling can provide a safe and supportive space for people to explore and process their grief. Through this process women and men can begin to move towards acceptance and find a sense of purpose and meaning in their lives, even in the absence of children.

Want to find out more about working together to explore being childless not by choice?

Contact me now for a free 15 minute online call. I look forward to hearing from you.

Awareness, Acceptance and Action

I provide a gentle but effective environment for change based on curiosity, non-judgement and self compassion. This supports a model for change drawing on awareness, acceptance and action.

For women who are childless not by choice this process may include opening to and exploring grief, the role of patriarchy and the potential healing around archetypes, among many other approaches.

I offer some insight into these areas below to start you off on your journey of awareness and accepetance.

Grief

Grief is a natural and normal response to any kind of loss, including the loss of the dream of having children. For childless not by choice people, grief can be a complex and ongoing process. They may grieve the loss of the children they never had, the loss of the identity they thought they would have as a parent, and the loss of the social connections they expected to have as a result of parenthood.

Acknowledging and processing grief can be a crucial step towards healing and moving forward. In her book Jody talks about the various stages of grief that childless not by choice people may experience, including denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. She emphasises the importance of allowing oneself to feel and express these emotions, rather than suppressing them or pretending they don’t exist.

Patriarchy

Another key element of the approach is the recognition of patriarchy.

Patriarchy refers to a system of social organisation in which men hold the primary power and authority. It is a pervasive and often invisible force in our society, shaping everything from the language we use to the opportunities we have. Patriarchy has had a profound impact on women’s lives, particularly in the area of reproduction.

For women who are childless not by choice, patriarchy can be particularly challenging, and can play a role in their feelings of isolation and grief. The expectation that women will become mothers is deeply ingrained in our culture, and those who are unable to do so may feel like they have failed in their most basic role as a woman and to meet society’s expectations.

Patriarchy can also lead to a lack of support and understanding, as those who have not experienced involuntary childlessness may struggle to empathise with those who have.

In therapy, patriarchy can be explored as a source of external pressure that contributes to an individual’s internal struggle. By acknowledging the role that patriarchy plays in their lives, childless not by choice individuals can begin to separate themselves from these external expectations and find their own path.

Archetypes

The recognition of the archetypes around motherhood and being a women can also be a useful part of the healing journey.

Archetypes are universal symbols that are found in myths, stories, and dreams across different cultures and time periods. They represent deep-seated patterns of human behaviour and provide a way of understanding the different aspects of our psyche.

By recognising and working with archetypes, we can gain a deeper understanding of ourselves and our experiences, and use this knowledge to move forward in a positive way.

For childless not by choice women and men, Jody has identified four key archetypes that are particularly relevant:

The Mother: This archetype represents our nurturing, caring, and protective side. For those who are childless not by choice, the Mother archetype can be particularly challenging, as it may feel like this aspect of themselves is unfulfilled or denied. They may feel like they are missing out on a fundamental aspect of life, and this can become a source of pain and longing.
The Maiden: This archetype represents youth, beauty, and the potential for new beginnings. For childless not by choice individuals, the Maiden can represent the possibility of finding a new purpose or meaning in life.
The Crone: This archetype represents wisdom, experience, and the ability to see beyond the surface. For childless not by choice individuals, the Crone can represent the opportunity to gain a deeper understanding of themselves and their place in the world.
The Outsider: This archetype represents those who do not fit in with the dominant culture. For childless not by choice individuals, the Outsider can represent the feeling of being on the outside looking in, and the challenges of finding acceptance and belonging.

By exploring these archetypes in therapy, those who are childless not by choice can gain a deeper understanding of themselves and their experiences. They can also use this understanding to identify their own unique strengths and resources and develop a plan for moving forward in a positive way.

There are also other archetypes that can be helpful in therapy for childless not by choice individuals. The Warrior archetype, for example, represents courage, strength, and resilience, and can help them find the strength to move past their grief and find purpose and meaning in their lives.

Resources

Podcasts

The Not Mom Summit Podcast
Childless Not By Choice with Civilla Morgan
The Full Stop Podcast

Books

“Living the Life Unexpected: 12 Weeks to Your Plan B for a Meaningful and Fulfilling Future Without Children” by Jody Day
“The Next Happy: Let Go of the Life You Planned and Find a New Way Forward” by Tracey Cleantis
“Complete Without Kids: An Insider’s Guide to Childfree Living by Choice or by Chance” by Ellen L. Walker
“The Baby Matrix: Why Freeing Our Minds From Outmoded Thinking About Parenthood & Reproduction Will Create a Better World” by Laura Carroll
“Silent Sorority: A Barren Woman Gets Busy, Angry, Lost and Found” by Pamela Tsigdinos

Online Resources

Gateway Women – a community and resource platform for childless women
Childless Not By Choice – a website and resource centre for women and men facing involuntary childlessness
The NotMom – a website and resource center for women without children, by choice or by chance
The Childless Collective – an online community and resource center for childless individuals and couples
World Childless Week aims to raise awareness of the childless not by choice (cnbc) community and enable every childless person to share their story with confidence.

These resources are provided as potential support and guidance for women (and men) who are childless not by choice. It is important to remember of course that each person’s journey is unique and finding the right resources and support can be an important part of the healing process.