10 Dec What Can We Hope for in Therapy? The Two Types of Change
Therapy is, at its heart, a place to explore change. We arrive with a sense that something isn’t working—perhaps we’re anxious, stuck, or in pain. We hope that through talking, reflecting, and understanding, life might feel better. But what exactly does “change” mean in therapy? And how do we know if we’re succeeding?
To understand this, it’s helpful to look at two types of change that therapy can offer: first-order change and second-order change.
These concepts remind us that change isn’t always about fixing ourselves. Sometimes, it’s more about transforming how we see ourselves.
First-Order Change: Solving Problems
First-order change is about making adjustments. It involves learning practical ways to deal with life’s challenges. This might mean learning to manage stress, communicate more effectively, or set better boundaries. It’s the kind of change that feels concrete and often comes with measurable results.
For example:
- You learn to deal with anxiety by practising mindfulness.
- You discover ways to argue less with your partner.
- You find a better balance between work and rest.
These are important and valuable changes. They give us tools to make life a little smoother, to feel more capable in the face of challenges. But there’s a limit to first-order change. It’s a bit like rearranging the furniture in a room—things might look better, but the room itself remains the same.
Second-Order Change: A New Perspective
Second-order change goes deeper. It’s not about fixing individual problems but shifting the way we see ourselves and the world. This is where therapy begins to feel less like “self-improvement” and more like self-acceptance.
Imagine that instead of rearranging the furniture, you knock down a wall and create a new space entirely. This kind of change is transformative. It can feel subtle at first, but it touches the core of who we are.
For example:
- You come to accept that you are good enough, even with your imperfections.
- You see that your fears and struggles are part of being human, not signs of failure.
- You stop chasing approval and begin to live by your own values.
Second-order change might not produce instant results, but it opens up a sense of freedom and wholeness. It’s not about becoming someone else—it’s about recognising that who you are now is already enough. It may also involve making peace with an existential truth that life is difficult:
“Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult – once we truly understand and accept it – then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters.” Scott Peck, The Road Less Travelled
The Three Stages of Change
Both first-order and second-order changes follow a similar process. We could describe it as three key stages: awareness, acceptance, and action.
Awareness
Change begins with noticing. We become aware of patterns that no longer serve us—perhaps we realise we’re too quick to say “yes” or that we’re chasing impossible standards.
Example: You notice that you keep overcommitting yourself, leaving no time for rest.
Acceptance
With awareness comes acceptance. This is the moment where we stop fighting ourselves and instead meet our struggles with compassion. It’s not resignation—it’s understanding.
Example: You accept that your overcommitment stems from a fear of disappointing others, and that fear is natural.
Action
Finally, we take action. But action rooted in acceptance is different—it’s less about fixing and more about caring for ourselves in a new way.
Example: You begin to say “no” more often, not out of guilt, but because you recognise your own needs.
What Does Success Look Like in Therapy?
Success in therapy isn’t a single outcome. It’s not about being “cured” or becoming a perfect person. Instead, success is a gradual unfolding. It might look like:
- Improvement: You feel calmer, more confident, or better able to handle life’s challenges.
- Acceptance: You start to feel kinder towards yourself, flaws and all.
- Connection: Your relationships improve as you bring more of your true self into them.
- Freedom: You feel less trapped by old fears and more open to life as it is.
For some, success is solving specific problems. For others, it’s finding peace with the things they cannot change. Often, these two kinds of success are deeply intertwined—practical changes pave the way for deeper transformation, and inner shifts make practical changes sustainable.
The Real Purpose of Therapy
Therapy isn’t just about making life easier. It’s about learning to live more fully. Sometimes, that means changing how we behave. Other times, it means changing how we see ourselves. Along the way, we discover that even in our messiness and imperfection, we are worthy of kindness and care.
Ultimately, the gift of therapy is not just that it helps us change—it shows us that we were never as broken as we feared. And from that place of acceptance, real transformation becomes possible. Inviting us to perhaps live into the width as well as the length of our lives, as the poet Diane Ackerman wrote:
” I don’t want to get to the end of my life and find that I have just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well.”
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