20 Aug Understanding Healthy Anger: Setting Boundaries with Dignity
Anger is a natural emotion. It’s something everyone feels at some point. But anger often gets a bad reputation. Many people see it as something destructive or harmful. However, when understood and expressed properly, anger can be a powerful and healthy emotion.
Unhealthy anger can manifest in one of two ways, either through uncontrolled release or denied suppression. When anger is unhealthy, it is expressed in ways that hurt others or ourselves, leading to a loss of connection, respect, and ultimately, dignity. By contrast, healthy anger holds the possibility of building respect and dignity.
Part of the work of therapy for many people, is to recognise and process their anger in healthy ways, opening the possibility of reclaiming personal power and agency, and living more authentically.
Unhealthy Anger – Expressed
Unhealthy anger occurs when the emotion becomes overwhelming, uncontrolled, or misdirected. Indeed, many of us may resist feeling into anger, for fear that it will take us over.
Instead of serving as a protective boundary, unhealthy anger can lead to destructive behaviours such as shouting, blaming, or physical aggression. Unhealthy anger often arises from unresolved pain, frustration, or fear and can harm relationships, damage trust, and create a cycle of regret and guilt.
Unhealthy Anger – Suppressed
Suppressed anger, often hidden deep within the unconscious, can have profound psychological consequences. Carl Jung believed that emotions we refuse to acknowledge, like anger, become part of our shadow—those aspects of ourselves that we deny and repress. This shadow, when left unintegrated, can lead to destructive behaviours and emotional turmoil.
Jungian Analyst and author of Swamplands of the Soul: New Life in Dismal Places , James Hollis echoes this by suggesting that suppressed anger can manifest as depression, anxiety, or passive-aggressive behaviour, as the energy of unresolved anger turns inward, poisoning the psyche.
Gabor Maté, trauma expert and author of When the Body Says No: The Cost of Hidden Stress and The Myth of Normal: Illness, health & healing in a toxic culture, further elaborates on the potential physical toll of suppressed anger, pointing to links to stress-related illnesses and chronic health issues. By denying our anger, we disconnect from our authentic selves, leading to a diminished capacity for self-expression and ultimately, a life that is less fulfilling.
Cultural Messaging about Anger
In many cultures, girls internalise the messaging that sadness is more acceptable than anger. Boys, by contrast, can receive the message that it is more acceptable to be angry rather than sad. So, it can be useful to be curious – might sadness be hiding and trying to express anger? Or might anger be trying to hide and express sadness?
Anger and the Role of Our Personal Role Models
We also learn about anger from the role models we grew up with.
If we had angry parents growing up, we may end up either becoming overtly angry ourselves, or conversely avoiding anger, manifesting in people pleasing and conflict avoidance.
It can be useful to reflect on:
- how did my main caregivers growing up deal with anger? With their own? With others? With ours?
- Was I allowed to express my anger growing up?
Healthy ways of meeting childhood anger
Many parents can struggle with allowing their children to feel anger. Instead of acknowledging and naming the anger, and still enforcing an appropriate boundary if required, parents often close down or shame anger. We might have been told: “you aren’t angry” or “nice girls don’t get angry, go to your room.”
Gabor Maté highlights the value of parents responding to a child’s anger with empathy and understanding rather than with dismissal or punishment.
When a child becomes angry and upset because they can’t have a cookie before dinner, Gabor suggests first acknowledging the child’s feelings. Instead of simply saying “no” and moving on, the parent might say, “I see you’re really upset because you wanted a cookie now. It’s hard to wait, isn’t it?”
This response validates the child’s emotional experience, showing them that it’s okay to feel angry, while also maintaining the boundary that the cookie is not allowed until after dinner. By meeting the child’s anger with calm and empathy, the parent helps the child learn to navigate their own emotions, as well as understand the reason behind the boundary.
Inner child anger
If we didn’t have our anger validated growing up, it is likely that younger parts of us may still have unexpressed anger buried in the unconscious. Inner child work can be a useful way of revisiting times where anger wasn’t met and meeting it through the eyes of an inner parent. This inner parent can offer the validation we might not have get growing up.
Therapy can also be a useful opportunity to give voice to our anger without pathologising, shaming or judging it. Instead there can be benefit in meeting the anger with curiosity. What might it want to say or need us to know? What gifts might it be holding?
The Gifts of Anger
These gifts of anger might include:
Awareness of Boundaries: Anger can helps us recognise when something is wrong or when we feel threatened. This awareness can guide us to set healthier limits in our lives.
Motivation for Change: Anger can energise us to take action. It can drive us to stand up for ourselves or others, to fight against injustice, or to make necessary changes in our lives.
Expression of Passion: Sometimes, anger is connected to things we deeply care about. It can reveal what matters most to us, helping us understand our values and priorities.
Healing and Release: Holding onto anger for too long can be harmful, but expressing it in healthy ways can lead to emotional release. This can be the first step towards healing past wounds.
Strength and Courage: Anger can give us the strength and courage to face difficult situations. It can empower us to confront challenges we might otherwise avoid.
Grief and Anger
Typically, grief is acknowledged to include sadness and depression. But in reality, grief may also include denial, anxiety, fear and yes, also anger. In a grief phobic society, many of these feelings are not welcomed and understood. This means they may go underground into the shadows. While this can be sensible in order to continue meeting the practical demands of daily life, unacknowledged and unmet feelings may still make themselves known unconsciously through symptoms such as depression, bitterness, nightmares, accidents and illness.
What Is Healthy Anger?
Healthy anger is anger that is felt and expressed in a way that does not harm others or yourself. It’s not about losing control or being aggressive. Instead, it’s about recognising that something is wrong and standing up for yourself in a respectful way.
Gabor Maté talks about anger as a boundary-setting emotion. He says that anger helps us know when our boundaries have been crossed. It’s a signal that something important to us is being threatened. In this way, anger can protect our dignity and sense of self.
This might be similar to the instincts of a mother wolf protecting her cubs if she feels underthreat.
The Role of Boundaries
Boundaries are essential in maintaining healthy relationships. They define what is acceptable and what is not. When someone crosses a boundary, anger often rises up to alert us. Healthy anger allows us to communicate these boundaries clearly.
John Bradshaw, author of the book Healing The Shame The Binds Us, emphasises the importance of boundaries in his work. He explains that boundaries help us protect our self-worth and maintain our dignity. Without clear boundaries, we can feel overwhelmed, disrespected, and even violated.
Healthy anger helps us say, “This is not okay,” without needing to lash out. It allows us to assert ourselves with dignity, rather than reacting in a way that might hurt others or lead to regret.
Anger and Dignity
Dignity is about self-respect. When we honour our feelings, including anger, we are respecting ourselves. Healthy anger is a way of saying, “I matter, and my feelings are important.” It helps us stand up for ourselves in situations where we might otherwise be overlooked or mistreated.
But expressing anger with dignity means being mindful of how we communicate it. It’s not about shouting or blaming, but rather about calmly and assertively stating what we need. This approach helps maintain both our dignity and the dignity of others.
Tips for Practicing Healthy Anger
Recognise the Feeling: Notice when you feel anger rising. Pay attention to what triggered it. This is your body’s way of telling you that something is wrong. Where do you feel it in the body? As a tightness in the throat or chest? As a heat rising? As hot hands? You might also explore the exact nature of the anger using The Feeling Wheel.
Take a Moment: Before reacting, take a deep breath. This helps prevent the anger from becoming overwhelming or destructive. You may also need to physically leave the room or environment, to give yourself time to return to your Window of Tolerance. Tools that might be useful include the 54321 Grounding Technique, conscious sighing, and neuro doodling.
Consider Expressive Writing: Some people find expressive writing about what has made them angry useful. This could be stream of consciousness writing, or writing a letter letting rip to the other person or situation to express how you feel. NB this letter/message is not necessarily for you to send to the other person, but for you to release the pent up feelings. You may decide to write a different, more measured letter afterwards once your nervous system is back on track, it can be useful to stop and think about whether any boundaries could be helpful:
Set Clear Boundaries: Clearly communicate what is bothering you. For example, “I feel disrespected when you interrupt me. I need you to let me finish speaking.”
Express with Dignity: Try to speak in a calm and firm tone. Avoid name-calling, blaming, or shouting. Focus on how you feel and what you need.
Reflect on the Situation: After the anger has passed, think about what happened. Did you express your anger in a way that respected both your boundaries and the other person’s dignity? For those who are people pleasers, it can be difficult if the other person doesn’t immediately like or approve of what we have said or done. Having someone to support us before and afterwards can be helpful if a significant boundary is being put in place.
Why Healthy Anger Matters
When we practice healthy anger, we are taking care of ourselves. We’re recognising our own worth and ensuring that others do too. This leads to healthier relationships, where boundaries are respected, and dignity is maintained.
Gabor Maté and John Bradshaw both remind us that anger doesn’t have to be something to be feared and avoided. Instead, it’s an important emotion that, when handled with care, can lead to personal growth and stronger connections with others. That said, there can be a learning process in learning to direct our anger in a healthy way. This is where the help of others, whether a therapist, good friend, or sponsor can be useful.
Next time you feel anger bubbling up, remember that it might be a potential opportunity to do something differently. It’s a chance to stand up for yourself with dignity, to set clear boundaries, and to foster healthier relationships. Healthy anger is not about being aggressive; it’s about being assertive, respectful, and true to yourself.
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