09 May Understanding the Drama Triangle
Many of us struggle with, and try to avoid, conflict. And yet conflict seems to be a fact of life and part of the human experience.
Have you ever found yourself caught up in an argument or a situation that feels like a scene from a play, where everyone seems to have a role – the victim, the rescuer, and the villain?
If so, you’ve likely experienced what is known as the “Drama Triangle.”
This concept, first introduced by Dr. Stephen Karpman, is a psychological and social model that maps out the dynamics of human interaction, especially in conflict situations.
What is the Drama Triangle?
The Drama Triangle is a model that illustrates the three roles people typically take on in stressful, conflict-driven interactions:
The Victim: This person feels oppressed, helpless, and ashamed. They often believe they have no power over their circumstances and blame others for their misfortunes.
The Rescuer: This role feels compelled to help solve the victim’s problems, often without being asked. While this might sound helpful, the rescuer may prevent the victim from find their own power and agency.
The Persecutor: Often seen as the “bad guy,” the persecutor is critical, blaming, and authoritative. They might be angry, make demands, blame the victim, or act superior.
How Does the Drama Triangle Work?
The roles within the Drama Triangle are fluid, and we may find ourselves moving from one role to another in any given situation.
A victim might turn into a persecutor when they start blaming others for their problems.
A rescuer might become a victim if their help isn’t appreciated, or they might take on the role of persecutor if they start criticising the victim for not accepting their advice.
While the rescuer role may be the most socially accepted role to admit to, with the persecutor role perhaps the most difficult to acknowledge, it is important to remember that we can play all roles, and that they all have their pain and dangers.
Likewise the persecutor role, often acted out with anger, can be a defence strategy with its roots in underlying feelings of powerlessness, fear and shame. Adult persecutors may themselves have been victims as children.
No matter the role, each one supports the continuation of the drama, creating a vicious cycle that can be hard to break.
Why Do We Get Stuck in the Drama Triangle?
Humans are inherently social creatures, and much of our learning comes from our interactions with others. Sometimes, we fall into these roles because they are familiar – perhaps they mirror dynamics from our childhood or past relationships.
The Drama Triangle shows us a script that we may unconsciously be following, which can make us feel temporarily secure or powerful, even if it’s unhealthy.
The following table gives an insight into some of the scripts and beliefs that may be running the different roles, as well as payoffs and also the potential way out:
| Victim | Rescuer | Persecutor | |
|---|---|---|---|
| Archetype | Child/Orphan | Martyr | Tyrant/Ruler |
| Core Belief / Story | "It's not my fault" | "I'll jump in and fix it" | "It's not my fault (it's yours)" |
| Typical Emotions | Helplessness, sadness, fear | Pride, fulfilment, anxiety | Anger, superiority, guilt |
| Payoffs | Attention and sympathy | Feeling valued and needed | Feeling powerful and in control |
| Dangers | Dependency, stagnation | Burnout, neglecting own needs | Damaged relationships, isolation |
| Healthy Need | Empowerment, self-reliance | Balance, self-care | Respect, assertiveness |
| Healthy Mantra | "I have the power to change my story." | "I support others but also honour my limits." | "I speak my truth and respect others'." |
| The Way Out | Seek empowerment and assertiveness. Develop self-compassion and personal accountability. | Set boundaries and practice self-care. Empower others to solve their own problems. | Communicate needs and feelings assertively, not aggressively. Practice empathy and understanding. |
| Role Model | The Wise Elder who shares knowledge and encourages self-discovery and independence. | The Guide who supports and teaches others how to care for themselves. | The Fair Leader who uses their strength to protect, not overpower, fostering a space for open dialogue and growth. |
Breaking Free from the Drama Triangle
Something that is often common to all of the roles is an external focus directed outward onto the ‘other’. The victim is looking for someone to blame, the rescuer to looking for someone to fix, and the persecutor, someone to feel superior over.
The first step is a willingness to bring the focus inwards to ourselves. Breaking free from the Drama Triangle involves awareness, reflection & acceptance, and action. Here are some steps to help you escape these dynamics:
AWARENESS
The first step to breaking free from the Drama Triangle is to recognise these roles in your interactions. Ask yourself: Am I acting as a victim, rescuer, or persecutor? What role are others playing?
Acceptance
Once we have some initial awareness, many of us are keen to move into action. We want to feel better and move on. For long term change, there can be value in slowing down and opening into a phase of acceptance.
Acceptance often involves sitting with uncomfortable feelings.
Sometimes we rush to action and old behaviours as a way of elevating discomfort. If I always default to “yes” (even when I want to say no) in the short term I may avoid the discomfort of feeling someone’s disappointment and disapproval. However in the longer term, burnout and feelings of exhaustion and resentment can build up.
There may also be a grandiosity in not saying no, or in jumping in to fix. A hidden belief that without us, the other simply cannot cope and it is only us who can save them. This saviour complex can give us illusions of power and strength, that hide a deeper fear of not being good enough and not trusting that people can find their own solutions.
The invitation is to meet these motivations and different parts of ourselves with curiosity rather than judgement.
We aren’t bad, we are just trying our best, and are now aware of alternative ways of being. Many of these behaviours have their roots in our upbringing and wider society and culture. As young girls, we are often encouraged to be kind, loving and compassionate, and always helpful. As little boys, we may be encouraged to always be strong and have an answer and solution for everything.
Acceptance may include a process of grieving. And like all grief this can be messy. There can be phases of sadness, anger, denial, confusion etc.
Action & The Power of PAUSING
When we get to taking action, there is benefit in taking a moment to reflect on the immediate situation. This noticing can provide an opportunity to pause, before reacting in a habitual way.
This pause can help you step out of your automatic role and think about healthier ways to respond. These might include:
Sleeping on it: If we are a rescuer, and someone asks us to do something, instead of immediately saying yes and falling into people pleasing habits, that have left our feeling overstretched and resentful in the past, we may stop and say: “let me know back to you on that”. We can then sleep on it, walk on it, talk it through with someone else, or journal, and come to a conscious choice.
Fostering Autonomy and Agency: We can begin to make choices that promote our independence and capacity to influence our lives. This involves taking responsibility for our own feelings, actions, and choices rather than attributing them to others’ behaviour or to circumstances. For instance, instead of waiting to be rescued (Victim) or jumping in to save others (Rescuer), we can start addressing our own needs and boundaries directly.
Developing Healthy Relating: With increased autonomy comes the ability to relate to others in healthier ways. Instead of interactions based on dependency and control, relationships can become more about mutual respect and genuine connection. Practicing assertiveness is key; it involves expressing our own needs and desires without infringing on others’ rights. This helps prevent the resentment and passive-aggressive behaviour often seen in the Persecutor role.
Building Emotional Resilience: Stepping out of the Drama Triangle also means developing stronger emotional resilience. Instead of oscillating between feeling powerful and helpless, we can learn to tolerate discomfort and ambiguity, responding to challenges with a more balanced perspective. This emotional maturity helps you remain centred, even in stressful situations, reducing the likelihood of slipping back into unhelpful roles.
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