29 Apr Wounded Child, Adaptive Child and the Wise Adult
Terry Real, therapist and author known for his work in relational therapy, offers a simple model to explore how we may show up in life and in relationships.
His concepts of the wounded child, adaptive child, and wise adult represent different parts of our psyche, and offer a way to understand how our past experiences influence our present behaviour and relationships.
Terry Real recognises that trauma suffered in childhood can have an big impact on our ability to engage in healthy adult relationships, depending on which part of us is engaged at any given moment.
The wounded child represents the part of us that carries pain and unresolved emotions from childhood. It’s like a little version of ourselves that got hurt along the way, and those wounds can affect how we interact with others and ourselves.
The adaptive child is the part of us that learned to cope with those wounds by developing certain behaviours or defence mechanisms. These behaviours might have helped us survive in the past, but they can also hold us back or cause problems in our adult lives.
The wise adult, on the other hand, is the part of us that can step back, reflect, and make healthier choices. It’s like the grown-up version of ourselves that can provide compassion, understanding, and guidance to the wounded child and adaptive child within us.
Characteristics of each part
The following table provides a further overview of each of these ‘parts’ of us:
| Aspect | Wounded Child | Adaptive Child | Wise Adult |
|---|---|---|---|
| Description | Carries unresolved pain and emotions from past | Developed coping behaviours to survive childhood | Reflective, compassionate, and mature |
| Emotional State | Hurt, vulnerable, reactive | Defensive, guarded, reactive | Calm, compassionate, empathetic |
| Behaviour | May act out, withdraw, or seek validation | Relies on defence mechanisms, patterns of behaviour | Makes conscious choices, sets boundaries |
| Response to Conflict | Easily triggered, may escalate conflict | Defensive, may blame others | Seeks understanding, seeks resolution through dialogue |
| Relationship Style | May struggle with intimacy, trust issues | Tendency towards co-dependency, controlling | Healthy boundaries, mutual respect, intimacy |
| Growth Potential | Opportunity for healing and self-awareness | Requires unlearning old patterns, adapting new ones | Continual growth, learning, and self-development |
Moving Into the Wise Adult
Moving into the wise adult from the wounded child or adaptive child can be practiced through growing self-awareness and compassionate self-reflection. This might include:
Recognising the Activation: Begin by noticing and acknowledging when the wounded child or adaptive child is activated. Notice the emotions, thoughts, and behaviours that arise in these states. You might become aware of a sensation in such as a tension or holding in the throat, chest or belly.
Pausing and Breathing: Take a moment to pause and breathe deeply. Creating space between the trigger and our responses allows us to regain control and have greater access to our inner wisdom.
Self-Compassion: Offer yourself compassion and understanding for experiencing these challenging emotions. Treat yourself with the same kindness and care you would offer to a loved one. You might like to use the phrase “no wonder”. If you have noticed a body sensation, placing a hand over the part (such as your throat, chest or belly) and saying ‘hello, I know you are there’ may also be helpful in soothing and meeting younger parts of ourselves.
Invoking the Wise Adult: Call upon the wise adult within you by connecting to your inner wisdom and maturity. Visualise stepping into the role of the wise adult, who offers guidance, perspective, and clarity.
Reflecting on Values: Reflect on your values and principles. Consider how the wise adult would respond in alignment with these values, even in the face of emotional turmoil.
Choosing Conscious Action: Make conscious choices that align with the wisdom and maturity of the wise adult. Instead of reacting impulsively from the wounded child or adaptive child, respond thoughtfully and intentionally. This might be leaving the room or situation as a way of dealing with spontaneous anger. You might introduce some playfulness in thinking of a role model, such as Yoda from Star Wars (!), asking yourself how would they respond in this situation?
Practicing Mindfulness: Engaging in mindfulness practices when we are feeling calm and connected with our wise adult, can give us more chance of anchoring ourselves in the present moment when we get activated in the course of daily life. Notice sensations in your body, observe your thoughts and emotions without judgment, and cultivate a sense of calm and presence.
Seeking Support: Reach out to supportive individuals and friends who can support the process of self-awareness and self-reflection in a gentle and curious way. Sharing your experiences and receiving validation and encouragement can help reinforce your connection to the wise adult within.
Interested in finding out more about working with these different parts of yourself? Get in touch to arrange a free 20 minute online call.
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