12 Apr Understanding Mother Hunger: Its Impact on Mental Health & How to Start Healing
Mother Hunger: How Adult Daughters Can Understand and Heal from Lost Nurturance, Protection and Guidance (2021) by Kelly McDaniel is a book that explores the concept of ‘mother hunger’. This is a term Kelly uses to describe the pain that can arise when the universal need for maternal nurturing, acceptance, and protection that exists within all of us, is not met when we are growing up.
Kelly draws on her personal experience of growing up without the mothering she needed and also the stories of people she has worked with as a therapist, to examine the impact of the attachment wound and injury resulting from mother hunger, on psychological and emotional well-being. Through exploring the ways in which mother hunger can manifest, such as through addiction, relationship patterns, and mental health issues, Kelly McDaniel offers insights and guidance to help readers identify and heal from the wounds of unmet maternal needs.
I thoroughly recommend this book for anyone whom the phrase ‘mother hunger’ resonates (an audio book is also available).
This video with Kelly McDaniel also provides a good introduction to Mother Hunger:
Healing From the Wounds of Mother Hunger
In her book, Kelly McDaniel offers several suggestions for healing from the wounds of mother hunger in her book. Here are a few of her recommendations:
- Creating a Coherent Story about your formative years: ideally with the support of someone else such as a therapist or counsellor. This can help develop understanding and awareness of what makes us, us, reducing blame and self judgement.
- Experiencing a Reparative Attachment Relationship: again perhaps with the help of a therapist, there is an opportunity to experience a secure attachment relationship and have a redemptive experience which can help heal a previous relational wound and injury.
- Grieving what you didn’t receive: we can’t change the past but we can change our relationship to it, starting by acknowledging what was lost or absent.
- Reconnecting with the Inner Child: addressing the needs of the part of ourselves that is still seeking maternal nurturing and care. This can involve visualisation exercises, inner child work, or simply nurturing ourselves in small ways, such as taking time for self-care activities.
- Cultivating Self-Compassion: This involves explicitly learning to treat ourselves with kindness, understanding, and acceptance, and acknowledging that the pain we feel is valid and deserving of care and attention.
- Identifying and Challenging Negative Beliefs: including those we hold about ourselves and our worthiness for love and care, which may have originated from our unmet maternal needs. By challenging and reframing these beliefs, we can begin to develop a more positive and nurturing inner dialogue.
- Building Healthy Relationships: Kelly emphasises the importance of building healthy, nurturing relationships with others, whether through friendships, romantic relationships, or other forms of connection. This involves setting boundaries, practicing effective communication, and choosing relationships that align with our values and needs.
- Finding a Sense of Purpose: Kelly suggests that finding a sense of purpose and meaning in our lives can be an important part of healing from mother hunger. This can involve identifying our passions and interests, exploring our values, and engaging in activities that give us a sense of fulfilment and purpose.
Practical Exercises
Kelly McDaniel also includes a number of practical exercises that readers can use to support their healing from the wounds of mother hunger. Here are a few examples:
- Replacing Lost Maternal Nurturing: through practical acts of self care such as relaxing in a hot bath, walking in nature, doing yoga, eating food that you liked as a child, and taking naps.
- Replacing Lost Maternal Protection: giving yourself an experience of safety by reducing exposure of anxiety producing stimuli such as the news, violent movies, and listening to your inner intuition about whether to trust people.
- Alternate Nostril Breathing: This exercise involves using the fingers to alternate blocking each nostril while breathing deeply. It is a calming practice that can help to balance the nervous system and reduce stress.
- Body Scan Meditation: This exercise involves focusing on different parts of the body and noticing any sensations or tension that may be present. It can help to increase awareness of the body and promote relaxation.
- Inner Child Visualisation: This exercise involves visualizing oneself as a child and offering that child love, care, and support. It can help to cultivate self-compassion and provide a sense of nurturing that may have been missing in childhood.
- Journaling: Kelly suggests using journaling as a way to explore one’s emotions, thoughts, and experiences related to mother hunger. This can help to identify patterns and beliefs that may be hindering healing, as well as to process emotions and gain insight.
- Gratitude Practice: This exercise involves focusing on things for which one is grateful, in order to cultivate a positive mindset and counter negative beliefs. McDaniel suggests making a list of things one is grateful for each day, or taking time to reflect on positive experiences.
These exercises are just a few examples of the practices recommended. Each is designed to support healing in a different way, whether through reducing stress, cultivating self-compassion, or increasing self-awareness. By incorporating these practices into daily life, we can begin to heal the wounds of mother hunger and start to regain our inner agency and strength.
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